Military life

I really need to get this off my chest. There's only so much I can say amongst the wonderful family we have joined here in New York.

First off, I've spent the first year of our shore duty not only isolated from my friends and family but also seemingly isolated from this built in military support structure of spouses. Part of that was the weather, darn the snow, and the rest was my families choice. With a new baby in our family and constant visitors that missed us terribly we saw no need to reach out and join the military play dates.

Well, this past week I chose to start using my Facebook.com page. I chose to become a part of the marketplace and the military family support group. I thought it would be a fantastic idea to meet the other families, make new friends and hopefully find a better way to cope with the loneliness here.

The first day as a part of these two pages were filled with drama. The drama that I had chosen to avoid. I spoke to my neighbor about it and she suggested that it was not normal to see that much cattiness cross the forums. So, taking her suggestion I stuck it out. Many families posted items on the marketplace they needed to get rid of, wether it be they had too much junk or they were leaving the area, but I found the care, quality and cost of these items to be unreasonable. (Not that this matters but I feel NIP items should be discounted 25%, used but in new condition items should be discounted 50% and anything showing signs of wear need to discounted 75% or free...) The support page was very disappointing. In one week three events were listed and I was invited to. We made it to a play date at the park where no one spoke to me although I introduced myself early on and spoke to many of their children when they came up to see Temperance. We also went to the military housing playground to meet up with one of Amie's preschool friends. At the time there were easily 6 different families and only the family we knew spoke to us although we said "Hi" anytime we crossed paths with other families.

Then on top of all that, the one military family we did spend a lot of time with is moving this month. Not really a big deal since we could be maintain that friendship long distance. She chose to become very rude and tell me I need to change my parenting ways. The reason being it would make hanging out together easier, not that it was indeed the better way to deal with my children. It upset me but later in the day I found out that she chose to once again be rude and start spreading rumors about things I had said. The things she said about me were hurtful not only to me but my neighbor. I feel betrayed. Never would I spread rumors about another family and yet that is what she said I did.

I decided last night that the military family just isn't for us. We don't live in base housing and those that do seem very unresponsive to newcomers. The information passed across the open forums of the support page was common sense or could easily be looked up. The few military spouses I have known in my time had no problem with being catty and disrespectful. This is not a community I want my family to be a part of.

There's a common saying amongst the military community: "No one will better understand the way of life than another military family." I would disagree very strongly to the assumption that no civilian can be supportive or understand the stress this lifestyle causes. My mother understands what it's like to not see her husband for weeks on end due to his constant business travel all over the world (even to hostile countries.) Anyone that works a low paying job understands how to stretch a dollar or prioritize their desires. We met a family about 6 months ago that works in retail management. Over the holidays she would discuss with me her husbands schedule. From Halloween until half way through January she would act as a single parent while he worked the harsh demands of watching over his store With only a few days off in between. I can now fully appreciate the guaranteed hours and promise of vacation time whenever we see fit to schedule it.

This post was not to suggest that you shouldn't conform to the "military family" or that there isn't good to be found in the wife club. I found it to be difficult to fit in and that maybe my own insecurities were shared by others and that's why I wasn't openly accepted. Regardless, this was more of my way of trying to say that I think we should seek out the friends and situations we feel most comfortable in. Surely there can be good found in the military family, we didn't, that doesn't mean that you can't.

XOXO, A. Scott